CAPTAIN'S LOG – STARDATE: Snack-ocalypse 2025.4.16
Mission: Oatmeal Creme Betrayal
Opened a fresh box of Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pies. Expected glory. Got a sad, shrunken cookie the size of a communion wafer.
Crew morale low. Sugar levels critical.
3-year-old officer issued alert: “Hey! Debbie ripped us off!”
Confirmed. Cookie has lost 30% of its mass. Suspected tariff sabotage.
Suspect Debbie has joined forces with inflation. Possibly dating Jerome Powell. Investigation pending.
Switching to backup rations: Moon Pies. Trust still intact.
Preparing protest signs. “Make Snacks Big Again.”
End log.
Captain Terry, Snack Division Commander
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